It’s my birthday, and while I don’t celebrate it, I do like to spend some time thinking about the year that passed, and how it has changed me. I did a birthday post on my 20th, a really nice serious one, but I couldn’t do one for my 21st, namely because I didn’t have internet access at the time and I was busy with my engagement ceremony, which was on the same day. I wish I could go back and write down all the muddled thoughts in my head at the time. My recollections of that day are getting hazy already. I just remember feeling incredulous, like I was in someone elses life, humoring everyone by playing along to the role of bride-to-be. The bestest thing about it though was how it brought my entire extended family together. Weddings tend to be like that, but I was really touched. And a bit sad. I felt like they were saying goodbye already, and that they were getting ready to cut me loose, and make me all distant like my other married cousins. Maybe this’ll be a topic of a future post, I dunno.
Anyhow, I’ve turned x+1 again, and all I can say about this year was that it was a year of preparation. Like a big gasp of air, filling your lungs right before shouting at the top of your voice. Every change this year has been a quiet one aimed at helping me deal with my life ahead. It has been a year of learned wisdom, of revelations, of slowly dawning realizations and overcoming private fears.
I learned from my parents; of holding my tongue in situations where I least feel like; of giving as much as I can to the poor and needy, thus making a difference in many lives and a big fat one in my own afterlife; of strange, previously unknown customs and learning to respect them, if a bit unwillingly; and lastly, of how amazing our religion is and how it’s just full of khair in all aspects.
I’ve tried to mature out a bit. But becoming mature isn’t a button you can push and magically become so, although I have put serious thought into a lot of things I never thought about twice before. I know my priorities.
I’ve tried to be more than just a borderline Muslim. I’ve thought about what kind of adult I want to be, and what example I want to set for those around me. Alhamdulillah I’m reading the Quran everyday, and I have a mental checklist of duas and surahs to read each day.
I know how involved I want to be in the lives of the people closest to me, friends and cousins and aunts and uncles. I’ve invested waay too much emotional energy on these people to let us just fade away. Not gonna happen, no way.
I’ve also seriously thought about my family; my parents and my brothers. I seriously worry for them, like CHINCHA. A part of me seriously believes that everything will fall apart without me, and small but growing part says that everything will be fine. Just today my 18 y/o brother showed another display of tyranny against his younger brother. Imagining his rule extended, and permanent scares me. I worry for my parents, for whom he is a constant source of worry. I worry for my youngest brother, who I shall be leaving at the mercy of my parents and other brothers. Conversely, I worry for my family, whom I will be leaving at the mercy of the youngest one. Oh, he can be a vicious little terror at times, and sometimes only I can get him to shut up. I worry for my mom, who won’t have me to help out with the chores when her body betrays her and she feels tired. I worry that she’ll be overworked, perpetually removing my brothers dirty clothes from the bathrooms where they always leave them, despite her telling them for the umpteenth time not to. Oh, I WILL come back and make them regret it if a single complaint reaches my ears.
And lastly, I’ve tried to lose weight and learn cooking. Both are half-done at the moment. I’m not down to my ideal weight, and although I know how to cook, I still don’t know how to make perfect rotis. (don’t you start, hiba!) Oh well.*shrug*
And that’s it. This post is a surprisingly accurate map of my brain at the moment. It’s all I’m thinking about. As for the topic of change, I’m kinda avoiding thinking about it. I know the year to come will be full of it, but over-thinking is not my strong point. The more I think about something, the higher the odds are that I’ll screw it up completely. I’ll take things one at a time, as they come, and I’ll be fine, inshallah.
I hope next year’s post will be full of many happy firsts and lots of new adventures, inshallah. HWAITING!