Why We Don’t Negotiate With Terrorists


“We do not negotiate with terrorists.”

A phrase we’ve all heard countless times, in movies and sometimes on the news. One I’ve always felt was the most retarded excuse of a tactic ever. Negotiate with the terrorists, man! They’re holding something of value to you, which is why they believe they can negotiate with you in the first place! We’re all adults here, right? Can’t both parties work something mutually beneficial out? Huh?
Well, a few hours ago I finally understood why we’re not supposed to negotiate with terrorists. This lesson was learnt with the help of my darling little brother.

It was meal time for my brother, aged 3, and I told him to eat.
“No!” replied the little terrorist. I explained how if he didn’t eat, he wouldn’t grow big like his older brothers. Somewhat pacified, he agreed to eat.
“Where’d you like to eat? On the table or on the floor with your toys?” He motioned towards the computer desk. Drat. Always the difficult option. The only one who can eat on the computer is ME. Anyways, I kept saying no and he started whining, and I started losing precious ground with him. Soon, he’d refuse to eat, period. It was obvious he wasn’t going to eat elsewhere now, so I tried negotiating with him.
“If I let you eat while watching cartoons on youtube, will you finish your food?”
“Yes!” replied the cunning little bugger.
“OK, here you go. It’s open and playing. Now say AAAA”

See? And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don’t negotiate with terrorists. ‘Cause they’re flippin’ crazy. And will always screw you over.

Epilogue: He finished his food. Once the cartoons started they successfully turned him into a brainwashed potato. I spooned, he ate, and as soon as we were done I banished him from the computer. Muahahaaa


About thejawavillager

I am a mad scientist with an underground lab rivaling Dexter's that I will soon use to rule the world. Join my army or be killed in the aftermath.
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