I don’t really know what this post is going to be about. I just wanted to write about what I’ve been up to for the past few days, so I’m guessing that this post will be all over the place.
Hmm, let’s see, I finally watched Ninja Assassin and Oldboy, both movies that were on my to-watch list for a very long time.
Ninja Assassin- mini review
This was my first ninja movie. Am I filled with awe or what? I thought ninjas were regular martial arts dudes! No one told me they had magic healing powers, slink-into-the-blackness abilities, and HOT HOT BODS. Or is that just Rain? I still don’t like him as a singer, but boy do I love him as an actor. He just blew me away in this one. I don’t think I’d have been able to watch this film if it weren’t for him. The whole time I was just ogling his body. When’d he get so hot??? I watched him work out on metal pins. *drool* watched him fight *more drooling* watch him talk in English *SQUEE*, etc. I could carry on but I’m sure you get the picture. Best line from the film? When the asshole commander dude goes like “Hard to believe this guy is a fighting machine. He looks like he belongs in a boy band.” *Rain looks up threateningly*
The sheer irony of that was AWESOME. They were admittedly laying the one-liners a bit too thick. If it weren’t for Rain and his sexy accent, I’d have laughed at the ridiculousness of it all and stopped watching after the first five minutes or so. The fight scenes were sooo COOL! All the blood made me think to myself that they must be precisely aiming for major arteries only. I was awed. BUT towards the middle of the film it got kinda much. The splashes of blood became comical, ‘cause no way in hell can wounds like that cause human beings to explode like blood-filled piñatas. Also, in my mind, I divide my movies into English movies and Korean movies. Sorry, this one is definitely going in the Korean movies category. During the whole thing, I imagined subtitles, even though they were speaking in plain English. Ok, that sounds weird.
Oldboy- mini review
My dear, dear readers. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!!! I heard so much praise about this film. It was universally hailed as a ‘cinematic masterpiece’, etc. I had high hopes for it, which it met and surpassed, but nothing prepared me for the ending. Ew.
This movie is not for the faint of heart. My dear readers, I know most of you couldn’t handle my dwelling on a single hand-cutting scene in my review of 127 Hours. You called THAT dark. Honey, you don’t know what dark is till you’ve seen this. It’s so dark, you’ll be blinded. DON’T WATCH THIS FILM.
I think I’d better explain myself, some of you idiots may consider this an invitation, or challenge. A man gets locked up for no apparent reason and stays there for 15 years. He doesn’t know who his captors are or why he’s in there. He gets released one day and tries to find who captured him and why. He had a 3 year old girl when he disappeared, and while he was locked up, he saw on the news that his wife had been murdered and the police had found evidence linking him to the murder. That’s that. He meets a girl called Mi-do who’s waaayyy younger than him. He begins a relationship with her (a sexual one, to make it clear) He finds his captor, a younger man who taunts him, tells him to find the reason why he did this to him or he’ll kill Mi-do. The captor dude, forgot his name, is stinking rich. Shit happens, in the end Dae-su (our main character) finds out the reason why RichGuy imprisoned him. Back when he was in high school, Dae-su had peeked in through a window and seen RichGuy’s noona(who was in the same school) and Young RichGuy (who was just a few years younger than his sister) have SEX. In other words INCEST. Sick. I wanted to wash my eyes out, reverse time and un-look at that scene. Gross. I know nowadays any form of sex is okayed, as long as it’s consentual, but this is a line NOT to be crossed. No matter how I look at it, it just cannot be justified. And that’s not the worst part, oh no…
Dae-su tells his brother about what he saw, who goes and spreads the rumor about how the sister is a slut. She gets pregnant (with her BROTHER’s child, ARGGG) and jumps off a bridge. Now this demented young psychopath blames Dae-su for the rumors and what happened to his sister and imprisons him for 15 years, releases him, orchestrates his falling in love with Mi-do, calls him over to him penthouse, and shows him proof that MIDO IS HIS OWN DAUGHTER. !$#%$#^%$#%#
What sick f*ck. Dae-su goes completely crazy for a moment, he begs RichGuy not to tell MI-do, that he’ll do anything. He gets down on his knees and goes completely mad. He acts like a dog, barking and licking RichGuy’s feet, crying and laughing at the same time. It’s horrible. RichGuy, meanwhile, holds a handkerchief to his mouth and LAUGHS INTO IT. Dae-su takes a scissor and CUTS HIS TONGUE OFF. RichGuy, feeling avenged, tells his minions not to let Mi-do see the incriminating photo album and later kills himself, since he doesn’t have anything to live for anymore. Sick.
Oh, and Dae-su gets a woman to hypnotize him and make him forget the fact that Mi-do is his daughter, and they have happy incesty sex for the rest of their lives.
End of review.
What a twisted movie. I needed to watch/read something light after that so I started reading Skip Beat!, the manga. I’m still on the first chapter, but I think it’s just what I need to expunge all remnants of Oldboy out of my brain.
Hmm, what else? Oh, and I had the best time saying goodnight to my baby brother yesterday. Normally he stays up late with me so I have to put him to bed, but yesterday my mom stayed up later than usual and agreed to make him go to sleep with her. (Seriously, she can actually do it. Make him go to sleep, that is. With me, he just plays around and babbles till he falls asleep from exhaustion) So obviously, I was glad to send him off. My mom prepared his bottle and, holding his hand, lead him into her room.
“Bye-bye,” I said. He stopped, looked back at me and vigorously waved his arm. “Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!” He wouldn’t stop. Then my mom pulled him into the darkened room and closed the door. The door opened again and his hand poked through the opening. “Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!” The door opened, he stood there and kept waving. I kept waving back. We just stood there like idiots, him repeatedly saying bye and me giggling my head off. The door-closing-opening-and continuing-byes continued for like 10 minutes. I think I was a little high because I just couldn’t stop laughing. He was just so serious! Like he was standing at the airport, bidding me adieu for a year apart or something. He went, I watched my movies in peace.
That’s all. Hope you liked my rambling, or least found it good enough to waste your time reading. I’ll write a proper post next time, I swear.